I could make wine with my vomit
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
