Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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