new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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