Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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