apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
It's blow job season.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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