I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
