I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.