i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
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she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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