it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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