you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
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