So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
