this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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