Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
