it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
