did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
