I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
