I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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