During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
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She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Im part way to drunk.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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