Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
