OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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