I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
