I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
