my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
