Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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