You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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