Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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