she woke up with a sticky ear
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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