You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
How does it feel to date your dad?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
