I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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