I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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