I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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