do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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