Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize
