I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
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