Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
