I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
