So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
