I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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