I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
