please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
