You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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