He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
