Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
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