I wish life had little blips of pornography
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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