Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
