I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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