Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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