i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just gargled with NyQuil
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
