Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
