Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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