i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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