You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
