Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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