it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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