I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
