Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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