You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
